Power struggles

Today was weird... No water for the first half, no power for the second. I was forced to live simply... Archaically, if you will. Filling jugs, lighting candles... so weird. Goes to show how advanced we are as human beings, that all these once luxuries are now complete necessities... Because when they go, we are somewhat at a loss as to what to do with ourselves.

We could argue that our frustration with power outages is that it's the failure of a service we're paying money for. Definitely a legitimate complaint. But I have a feeling, the money spent is not at the heart of our frustration. It's our fear of having to live without the utilities we're so accustomed to and comfortable with. Also a legitimate complaint. But one we are less likely to admit.

Few people will admit that their main concern is the loss of power to their devices: smart phones, tablets, computers. "How will I connect?!?!? What will I DO with myself!!??" Panic sets in as our battery displays show dwindling percentages. We share our fears and outrage on social media using the very devices we fear will soon be dead. Wanting to conserve the power, but being unwilling to let it part from our hands. So we use them. Down to the very last drop.

That's what I did. I was down to exactly 1% battery life on the phone I'm using to type this before the power in my condo magically (and finally) returned. I used the sudden onset of light to tidy up the kitchen I had left in a bit of a mess once things went dark, blew out the candles and crawled into bed. 

Phone in hand, I tweeted something snarky and terse to my city councillor and the hydro company. Because they should know how pissed off I am at this lengthy inconvenience. Barely a little snow and power outages across the city? Pfft. Unacceptable. Then I read some other tweets - about everything and nothing. And I remembered to google some solutions to this leg cramp that's been nagging me all day. Probably just a typical preggo symptom. Or according to many of the articles I pulled up: it could be cancer.

Ahhh power, Twitter, Google and cancer. All is right in the world again.

Good night, peeps! And stay warm, Torontonians.

Almost showtime!

The last post I made, I was just about 3 months pregnant. Now I'm 34 week in, so only 6 more weeks to go before show time! Well, 6 weeks is an approximation. I see "due dates" as estimates, not final answers - because this baby will come out whenever it sees fit... and that may be before OR after this coming April 4th.

I have to say, I'm very grateful that the journey thus far has been drama-free. My discomforts have been minor: fatigue, sore boobs and heart burn in the beginning... graduating into achy joints and insane amounts of potty trips throughout the night. But nothing crazy. Thankfully no morning sickness, as barfing is like death to me. And above all, every test, report and check up with my Obstetrician has shown that baby and I are both healthy and ready-to-go.

I'd say the worst of my pregnancy symptoms have been hormonal. Or perhaps, psychological. Being 7 years into marriage and 33 years into life without kids, I've kinda gotten used to the idea of caring only for myself. Yes, of course I care about my husband and my family and people in general, but I don't feel responsible for any of them.  So I've been spending some time over-thinking, and perhaps over-dramatizing what this new life as a parent might be like. Or perhaps, I'm not over-thinking it at all. Maybe my concerns are justified and all the little things I'm worried about are what my near future is made of!

See?  That's what I've been doing in my head.

Then other times, I bravely embrace the moment and acknowledge that this was no accident - this is prayer fulfilled. I am healthy and capable and ready for the challenge and the joy that motherhood will inevitably bring. And when I can't seem to grasp enough positivity to think about all that, I revert to what my husband said once when I was venting to him about my fears of having this baby - "Well, it's too late now". A natural-born poet, that one.

I can wholeheartedly admit that all my fears and worries are completely selfish. Why? Because none of them have to do with the baby itself. I have supremo faith that this baby will be healthy and that my husband and I, as well as our excited families, will take amazingly good care of it. It will never want for love, attention or FOOD... that much I know for sure. And I am indeed grateful for that.

My concerns surround my career. My time. My sanity. My sleep. Our money. All the things that are going to change, in one way or another. But most of all, my career. I don't even like calling it that, because my love and attachment to acting, singing, performing, writing, creating... has never been just a job, even when I'm lucky enough to be paid for it. I consider it my life. I tend to define myself on the works I've created and the art I've performed. So unlike a lot of moms-to-be, I'm not at all looking forward to "mat-leave".  I don't want to be gone from the industry so long that casting directors don't remember who I am, my agent forgets my number and I have to start building my reputation from scratch again. Worse... what if I'm gone so long that I don't remember who I am? I want to be a GREAT mommy, but I don't want to be just a mommy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But for me personally, I'm not interested in trading in my dreams as I know them for a crossing-guard vest.

Part of me feels guilty for these selfish thoughts when they arise, and another part of me is relieved that I am still willing to explore my truths and not fake-the-funk. 'Cause the truth is, you can have a myriad of feelings, all complex and contradictory, all at the same time. And it's normal, it's ok, it's fine.

Because with ALL that being said, I also really, really love this baby already. With every kick, squirm and dive he or she makes in my belly, I'm reminded that there is a healthy, active piece of brand new life coming to me. To us! And I am already getting a sense of it's personality - stronger kicks when I've taken too long to eat, and poignant stillness and attention when I'm singing. I decode that as "loves food. loves music". SO me. :-)

It's going to be so much fun watching this little person grow and learn... and especially laugh. We do lots of that around here, so I'm really looking forward to meeting this baby's smile and giggles.

Speaking of giggles, I gotta start getting ready now for my first Improv performance at Second City! I've been taking classes there and to graduate from Level C, we gotta hit the stage tonight. This will likely be the last stage that I hit before the baby arrives, so I'm gonna make the most of it... as terrified as I am (improv gives me more heebie-jeebies than the thought of childbirth!).

Wish me luck! And maybe by the next time I hit up this blog, I'll have baby pictures for ya ;-).

xoxoxo
~ Lisa Michelle