I started this love affair with words a long, long time ago. I was always excited about short story projects in elementary school, often receiving much praise from my teachers for my mature use of language and interesting plot twists. At the time, I didn't think I was all that special... I simply loved to read, so naturally I regurgitated much of the language and themes from the books I was reading (Babysitters Club, Nancy Drew, Sweet Valley High and the like). But while all my female classmates were reading the same things, it was my writing that stood out from the rest.
So there you have it, I've always been special. :-)... as are you, whoever's reading this. It's been said so many times that we tend to ignore it, but we all really do have something special and unique to offer the world. I tend to forget that. Often. I'm always second guessing my writing, singing, performing, acting... things I KNOW I'm not only good at, but that I was born to do. But sometimes I let seeds of insecurity grow into a belief, forgetting who I am.
I performed a few songs at a fundraiser for my friend Arni's family the other day. He passed away last December (as I talked about here). I was more than happy to do it as I'm very close with his wife & children and would do anything for them. But I haven't performed in almost four months and I was afraid that it was going to show. I gave what felt like a mediocre performance and was grateful when I was able to get off the stage. There were no major mishaps... no cracked notes, no forgetting the words, in general it was "good". But I can tell you the word "special" was far from my vocabulary in that moment.
The fundraiser continued on to be a great night after that - lots of drinks, laughter and shared memories. I quickly got over myself and enjoyed the occasion with all the friends who'd come out. Then I was introduced to a girl by a mutual friend. She was a former co-worker of Arni's, but I'd never met her before this day. Or so I'd thought. She had seen me perform once before at another event and told me how much my voice resonates with her every time. That there's something about my aura, the way I sing and the songs I choose that really speak to her on another level. She added that I have something special... I have "it" and if anyone tells me differently, not to believe them. The conversation was about 15 minutes long, with me saying a number of awkward thank-yous between her kind words (why is it that I'm so quick to believe the negative things said about me, but compliments make me feel awkward?). Perhaps the convo would've gone on even longer, but I thanked her once more and excused myself, not knowing what to do with all her doting.
She's just one girl, I don't know her from Eve and perhaps her iPod is full of music I'd never listen to. But for some reason, I believed every word she said. Not just because I wanted to, but I felt like she was telling the truth. I'm not a celebrity, I'm not famous, there was nothing for her to gain by sharing with me in the way that she did. And because I know how God works with me, I believe it was a gifted reminder. My summer-long hiatus, though necessary, caused me to lose some faith in my abilities and her words got me a few steps closer to my full restoration.
I write. I sing. I write things to sing to. I consider this a gift and a blessing, because I know it can mean as much to you as it does to me. Through all the ups and downs, this is what I'll continue to do.
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